RAINING CATS & DOGS: HONORABLE MENTION

KITTY'S BEDTIME PRAYER

A CAT'S PRAYER

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep,
The King Size Bed Is Soft & Deep
I Sleep Right In The Center Groove,
My Human Can Hardly Move.

I've Trapped Her Legs, She's Tucked In Tight
And Here Is Where I Pass The Nite
No One Disturbs Me Or Dares Intrude.
Till Morning Comes And "I Want Food"

I Sneak Up Slowly To Begin
My Nibbles On My Human's Chin
She Wakes Up Quickly, I Have Sharp Teeth....
And My Claws I Will Unsheath

For The Mornings Here And It's Time To Play
I Always Seen To Get My Way
So Thank You Lord For Giving Me
This Human Person That I see...

The One Who Hugs Me And Holds Me Tight
And Sacrafices Her Bed At Nite!

~Author Unknown~

THE LIFE OF A PUPPY

This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."
Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.

That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T. P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast."

Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.

When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.

That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.

I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.

Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.

Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV, and said,"Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.

~Unknown~

DOG LIVES HERE

If you don't want to be greeted with paws and swinging tails
don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or a wet tongue,
don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't want to step over many scattered toys,
don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you think that a home ought to smell of perfume,
don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't mind all of this,
you will be instantly loved when you come inside,
because dogs live here.

~David Lester~

WALKIN IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
~Unknown~

How To Photograph A New Puppy

___________________

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds
from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
"No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Call spouse to clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog

DOGS LIVE HERE

If you don't want to be greeted with paws and swinging tails
don't come inside because Dogs live here.

If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or a wet tongue,
don't come inside because Dogs live here.

If you don't want to step over many scattered toys,
don't come inside because Dogs live here.

If you think that a home ought to smell of perfume,
don't come inside because Dogs live here.

If you don't mind all of this,
you will be instantly loved when you come inside,
because Dogs live here.

~Author: David Lester~

THE DOG'S "REMEMBER LIST"

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. The mailman is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead turtles, squirrels, birds, worms etc., just because I like the way they smell.

9. When I greet my people's friends the way I greet my own, my people's friends fall over.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The FedEx guy is not stealing our stuff.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. Drooling on my people does not make them more prone to giving me their food.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom's and Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. The plastic bags are not chasing me.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. Eating mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom will result in having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. The neighbors are not stealing our stuff.

25. I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick myself when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

31. I will not lick my butt and then give my people a kiss.

SOGGY DOGGY

Spittery-splottery-splat!!
A very good day for owning a Cat
But I have a Dog, who pulls on his chain,
enjoying our Slippery Slog in the rain.

We're finally home!
It's cozy & dry
I take off my Rain coat & let out a sigh
I'm starting to sneeze, beginning to cough.
He chooses this moment to shake himself off.

Big globules of water cascade through the air.
I'm showered; I'm soaked!!
From my toes to my hair!!

He's splashing the furniture
Drenching the rug!
Now he comes over expecting a hug!!

Spittery-splottery-splat
A Very Good day for owning a Cat!!

~Dave Crawley~

KITTY'S BEDTIME PRAYER

________________________

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Our neighbor's dog, when on the loose,
Prefers our yard for doggist use.

He makes a bee-line (dog-line, rather)
His eyes agleam, his mouth a-lather,
To certain plants and tufts of grass,
The ones we cherish most, alas.

His visits make them wilt and shrivel
And to our neighbors we're not civil.

Why can't their dog stay home? One glowers.
Their plants should serve as well as ours.
But neighbor here with neighbor shares:
Our dog, when loosened, goes for theirs.

~~authior unknown~~

RAINING CATS & DOGS

Sunday, February 6, 2011

HONORABLE MENTION

He's splashing the furniture
Drenching the rug!
Now he comes over expecting a hug!!

Spittery-splottery-splat
A Very Good day for owning a Cat!!

~Dave Crawley~

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